VACATIONS

By Judy Kaplan and Beverly Pfeiffer

Bereaved parents need to be aware of what vacations can and cannot accomplish.  Each of us who has experienced the death of a child comes to realize that there are no simple answers or solutions to getting through the grief experience.  We do, however, come to understand that there are things we can do to make life easier for ourselves, and we need to remember that there are no absolute “shoulds” or “should nots” to living with grief.  There are no right or wrong way; we do the best we can under difficult circumstances.  Some of the following guidelines may be helpful as you plan your vacation.

• Previous Vacations:  Remember previous family vacations.  Not all of them were tension-free or without periods of adjustment, but that did not mean they were not successful experiences.  Family life and raising children are never easy, and vacations provide one more avenue of learning about each other as well as learning to live together.  We still have to live with the everyday upsets and annoyances of marriage and family life as well as the added stress that grief places upon these relationships.
• Expectations:  Share your expectations and your hopes about the vacation.  Do not assume that your spouse and children know how you feel.  If you need time to share your feelings, to remember the past, or to be alone,  make sure these needs have been expressed.
• Realistic Planning:  Plan a vacation that is neither totally relaxed time without a schedule, nor totally hectic sightseeing.  Arrange time for planned activities as well as time to relax and to recoup your energies.  Discuss the pros and cons of going back to a familiar place or visiting a new area or having a new experience.  Neither option is a perfect solution, but talk about what might be most comfortable for your family.
• Coping with Grief on Vacation:  You do not leave grief at home.  It goes with you in your suitcase, on the airplane, and in your car.  It is important to be realistic about what a vacation an accomplish.
• Anticipation:  Remember that the anxiety created by the anticipation of an event is often more intense than the actual event.

Whether you leave town or remain at home while on vacation, it is important that you take that time for yourself.   Grief takes its toll; it is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting.  And, imperfect as they are, vacations do afford us an opportunity to become re-energized.

Over-analyzing a vacation can be hazardous.  It is helpful to discuss how things are going, what helps, and what does not, but trying to figure out all the answers can be an overwhelming task itself.  It is important to allow your self to be distracted, to relax and to do what you can to enjoy yourself.  There are no quick fixes, easy answers, or perfect solutions.  We do the best we can.  That’s true for vacations, just as it is true for everyday life.

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