Friends For Survival, Inc A Sibling’s Viewpoint
I had never experienced the death of a close loved one before my brother died. When David died, my world came crashing down around me, shattering me into a million pieces. My brother and I were close, but I had no suspicion that he was contemplating suicide and had been for a long time. The night my sister called to tell me he was dead is etched into my memory forever. If I shut my eyes, I can go back to that time and place almost three years ago and still hear her voice. It is a very painful memory and one that I don’t call up, but it is there, nonetheless.
The overwhelming feelings of shock, disbelief, numbness, despair and sadness are very vivid. At the same time, I was outraged at what he had done to us, to me. How dare he do this! I couldn’t even begin to guess how many times I said, I can’t believe this is happening.
The first six months was a confusing and emotionally draining period for me. I was obsessed with wanting to have answers, especially from him. I read many books on suicide and finally, after reading Iris Bolton’s book, “My Son, My Son,” I came to realize that what she said was true: You can ask why a million times, but you finally have to let it go, because the person you need the answers from is not here to give them to you. If only for the sake of your own sanity, you have to stop asking, “Why?”
Our family drew closer together from this tragedy, and it made me more aware of how much I value and love them. I also had the support of a good friend who was willing to spend hours talking and crying with me. I still get very angry at my brother for changing our lives so irrevocably. That anger inevitably turns to sadness. I cannot see his smiling face, or hear his laughter, or watch him grow into adulthood. Yes, I had dreams of him too. He was an intelligent, warm, sensitive and caring young man, and I was eager to see what direction his life would take. I can’t help but wonder what he would be like today. I miss him very much.
I will never agree with his solution, but it was his choice to make and I have to learn to live with it. I am absolutely certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be with him again. Only then will I get answers to my questions. I have no choice but to wait until that time.
by Nicki Wright, TCF MO-KAN, Kansas
reprinted from TCF, Orange Coast Chapter, Oct. 1998
Bonnie says:
I had a best friend who was like a sister to me in high school back in 1993. In Oct of that year, she took her life by a gun which belonged to her stepfather, who at the time, was a State Trooper in North Carolina. She was only 18 at the time. We and a few other girls were so close. She was full of life and never said anything about suicide. So when I got the call it was as if the world had stopped. My brother and her had gone to the Senior prom just that May and had a blast. Then on Oct 8th we had a birthday party for one of our girlfriends who was turning 19. We had a great time. Little did we know that a week later she would be gone. Yes she left a note, but we were only allowed to hear some of it. What we heard did not make any sense to us who knew her so for almost 16 years. There is always that question why? I only hope that if she did take her life, and I will never really know for sure, is that she found Peace and Love that she did not maybe feel here. I miss you Angie…
December 31st, 2008 at 7:19 pm