FRIENDS FOR SURVIVAL, INC.      

The Comforting Friends Newsletter has published many great articles.  These articles are written by experts in the field of suicide and by grieving survivors.  We hope that some of these excerpts from our newsletter will bring you some comfort.

Anger is one of the most difficult emotions for me to express.  Reared as a "proper" young lady, I was taught that anger was not becoming.  Many of the women I have spoken to were similarly taught.  I found, however, I did not have the tools to deal with the deep anger that came shortly after the death of my daughter.  My anger was spilling over to people who did not deserve it, or I vented excess anger by overreacting to some situations.  With the loving care and patience of several people, I developed some tools that helped me to express my anger.  Rather than trying to suppress my angry feelings, I learned to release them in constructive ways.  Hopefully, some of these coping techniques will be helpful to others.

EXERCISE - This is a great way to release anger, plus get into shape!  I joined the YMCA, swam twice a week, did the "Y's Way to Fitness" three times a week and walked three to five miles each day.  At first, I was concerned about doing so much exercise because I have a very bad back, so I took it easy and worked my way up to my present routine.  I always feel much better after a good workout, and I had the extra benefit of getting out of our home and back into society.  After my daughter's death, my life felt so out of control; but as I became more fit, I regained some control.  This renewed strength aided in my recovery.  Exercise decreases stress levels and aids in controlling depression.  Since grief can also make us more vulnerable to physical illness, exercising and taking care of our health is important,  Even daily walking is good therapy.

WRITING - When the anger bubbled up in me, I would write.   Many times I didn't know where to begin, so I just started by writing.  "I am angry because.."  Soon, my thoughts were coming faster than I could write them down.  After I had expressed my anger in writing,  I often discovered that the sources of my anger were different than I had imagined.  It usually sifted down to just being angry about my daughter's death.   The technique of writing about your feelings is especially nice because you can just throw away or burn your words and the anger with them.

PAINTING -  There is nothing like taking bright oils or acrylics and stroking them over an open canvass.  I had not painted in over fifteen years, but I went up into the attic and got down the easel, brushes and paints.  I always felt better after a good painting session.  Those times were very private for me and no one ever saw my creations, but they were helpful in expressing my anger.

TALKING - Sometimes I would call a good friend and just rant and rave.  My friend was a very good and non judgmental listener.  She realized that most of what I said in anger I did not mean.  She never gave advice or held me to my "anger" statements.  She just lovingly listened.  This technique calls for a careful choice of friends who can maintain confidentiality and are not afraid of anger.  It is even more helpful if the friend has had a similar loss.

ENERGY - Convert anger into energy and use that energy to change the world.  Angry with the limited support that mothers of children with Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) had in their communities, I converted that anger into action.  I joined several nationwide support groups and helped to bring their support into our community.  My anger was further converted into energy which I used to raise money for SMA research.  I baked over 700 loaves of bread (a lot of anger there!) for a fund raiser.  My friends saw my energies and joined in to help. Together, our efforts raised over $6,000 in under six weeks!  This kind of energy can be contagious.  Reaching out to others can help in healing.  If something good can come from our tragedies, it can add meaning to their deaths.

(Editor's note:  The entire issue of suicide awareness desperately needs YOUR energy.  Please call us)

EGGS - Yes, eggs!  When I just could not resolve my anger with any of the above techniques, I would take a dozen eggs and a black felt-tipped pen and go into the back yard.  Writing the reason I was angry on the egg, I threw it at the back fence.  At first, I thought this was a little crazy, but after throwing the first egg and watching it shatter, I felt so much better!  I always used just one word to describe my anger.  It might be: Death, SMA (the disease my daughter died of), Husband, a friend's name, God.  No one need know what you write on that egg!  Afterward, the birds would have a treat eating the eggs; and listening to their happy noises while having their treat, eased my anger.  These are some of the techniques I used to express my anger.  It is OK to be angry, and it is important to express, not suppress, anger.  Suppressed anger can result in deep depression.  It is also all right to be angry with God.  He is forgiving and understands our emotions.  He would rather have us be angry with Him than shut Him out.

  reprinted from The Compassionate Friends, Sacramento Valley Chapter Newsletter, August 2002

   I had never experienced the death of a close loved one before my brother died.  When David died, my world came crashing down around me, shattering me into a million pieces.  My brother and I were close, but I had no suspicion that he was contemplating suicide and had been for a long time.  The night my sister called to tell me he was dead is etched into my memory forever.  If I shut my eyes, I can go back to that time and place almost three years ago and still hear her voice.  It is a very painful memory and one that I don't call up, but it is there, nonetheless.

   The overwhelming feelings of shock, disbelief, numbness, despair and sadness are very vivid.  At the same time, I was outraged at what he had done to us, to me.  How dare he do this!  I couldn't even begin to guess how many times I said, I can't believe this is happening.

   The first six months was a confusing and emotionally draining period for me.  I was obsessed with wanting to have answers, especially from him.  I read many books on suicide and finally, after reading Iris Bolton's book, "My Son, My Son," I came to realize that what she said was true:  You can ask why a million times, but you finally have to let it go, because the person you need the answers from is not here to give them to you.  If only for the sake of your own sanity, you have to stop asking, "Why?"

   Our family drew closer together from this tragedy, and it made me more aware of how much I value and love them.  I also had the support of a good friend who was willing to spend hours talking and crying with me.  I still get very angry at my brother for changing our  lives so irrevocably.  That anger inevitably turns to sadness.  I cannot see his smiling face, or hear his laughter, or watch him grow into adulthood.  Yes, I had dreams of him too.  He was an intelligent, warm, sensitive and caring young man, and I was eager to see what direction his life would take.  I can't help but wonder what he would be like today.  I miss him very much.

   I will never agree with his solution, but it was his choice to make and I have to learn to live with it.  I am absolutely certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be with him again. Only then will I get answers to my questions.  I have no choice but to wait until that time.

  by Nicki Wright, TCF MO-KAN, Kansas

reprinted from TCF, Orange Coast Chapter, Oct. 1998

1.  Beware of becoming critical of ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously, due to unrealistic expectations.

2.  A different level of reality may hit us. We usually no longer deny the death, but now face the reality of and its long run implications. 

3.  If the death was unexpected, some say that the second year is even more difficult.

4.  It may be the time to struggle with a new life pattern.  We may have handled grief by over-activity (workaholic, etc.).  If our previous style of grieving has not been helpful, we must be willing to try new approaches such as: becoming more active in a support group, finding telephone friends, reading about grief, developing coping skills, becoming determined not to become stuck in our grief.

 5.  It is so important to find friends with whom we may talk. This is the one significant factor that prevents people from sliding into deep depression.

 6.  We should carefully consider the phases of grief. (Sub) consciously one or more phases may be giving us trouble such as anger/guilt.  If so , recognize the phase and work on it.  Don't push it down or ignore it.

 7.  Other events in your life may also be grief situations (trouble with spouse, children, work, other family members, friends.)  Realize this happens to many grieving people and it does complicate your grief.

 8.  You may or may not cry as often but when you do, realize it is therapeutic.  Don't fight the tears.  As the author Jean   G. Jones says, "cry when you have to - laugh when you can."

 9.  Physical symptoms may become more severe (stomach disorders, headaches, sleeplessness.) Have a checkup.

10. Insufficient sleep plagues many bereaved.  It may be helpful to give up all caffeine (colas, coffee, tea, Anacin, etc.)  Beware of alcohol which is a depressant.  Some findings indicate that alcohol causes insomnia.  Physical exercise helps to relax and tire one.  Often bereaved awaken very early or during the middle of the night.  Sometimes it helps to go to bed earlier. 

11.  Check frequently that you have balance in your life - rest, read, recreation (including exercise), and work.

12. Depression may enter your life again or for the first time.  Coping with the depression is very difficult.  Again we need determination, understanding friend(s) and possibly the help of professional counselor if our depression is deep and long.

 13.  Our grief may seem "out of control."  We may feel as if "we are going crazy."  This is common in bereaved people.  It is important to realize grief work takes time.  Much more time than we think it should.  Be patient with yourself.

 14. Be a "fighter" against giving up and becoming stuck in grief as 15% do.  A determination to work through grief may be one of the common denominators of those who recover.

 15.  We had no choice when our loved one died but we do have a choice to get better.  It may be the hardest work we will ever perform.

 reprinted from Orange Coast Chapter TCF, Dec. 1997

and Legacy Newsletter, Layton, UT,  Jan. 2001     

Loss is part of every life.  The death of a loved one is perhaps the most dreaded loss, but there are others: the loss of good health, the loss of a physical or mental capability, the loss of a job, the loss of a relationship, even the loss of a treasured possession.  No loss is welcome, and all are painful.  Still people recover from loss, though for some the recovery is protracted and difficult.  And with recovery come the opportunity to learn and grow, to be wiser if sadder.

 Grief is the inevitable reaction to loss; it is a painful state that can lead to psychological and physical disorders, even to death, but it can also prepare a bereaved individual for the changes that invariably follow.  Grief can be the doorway to recovery and rehabilitation.  More than 200 years ago, the poet William Cowper said that "grief itself is a medicine."  He was right; like all medicine, grief can be bitter, but it can also promote the healing process.

 The work of grieving is difficult but crucial. Since all people will experience loss, all of us should understand the process of grieving and should be prepared to help others---and ourselves--- to cope with loss.

 Doctors have rated the loss of a spouse as the most painful and stressful of all losses. That seems debatable, since the loss of a child cannot be far behind.  Still the loss of a spouse is surely the most common cause of severe grief and bereavement.  And it is common:  about 12 million Americans have been widowed, and about 800,000 men and women join their ranks every year.  By age 65, 10% of all men have been widowed at least once--and because men die at a younger age than women, more than half of all 65-year -old women have lost at least one husband.

 The loss of a spouse is more common for women, but it's more serious for men.  A 1995 investigation from California suggests just how serious it is.  Researchers measured not the enormous psychological and socioeconomic burdens of bereavement but the mortality of the surviving spouse.  The study tracked 12,522 married couples from 1964 to 1987.  During that time, 1453 men and 3294 women lost their spouses.  Subsequently, 30% of the bereaved men died themselves while only 15% of the women succumbed.  Healthy men who lost a wife were 2.1 time more likely to die than healthy men who were not bereaved, even after age, education, and other predictors of mortality were taken into account.  For men who already had medical problems, bereavement boosted the risk of death 1.6 times.  The risk was greatest from 7 to 12 months after the loss, but an elevated death rate persisted for more than two years.  Shakespeare was right when he wrote of "deadly grief."

 Why do widowers face an increased risk of death?  Doctors can only speculate about several possible explanations.  The loss of a caregiver could be part of the answer--but since the impact is substantially greater in healthy men than in ill men (who may depend on a spouse for care), that can't be the whole story.  Most likely, intense grief adversely affects the body's stress hormones, nervous system, and immunologic apparatus; it's the same way extreme fright and natural disasters can trigger sudden cardiac death in men (see Harvard Men's Health Watch, Oct. 1996) 

The California researchers were unable to determine if men who died of broken hearts had been experiencing excessive or abnormal grief before they died.  Doctors do know, however, that there are both normal and abnormal ways to grieve.

  As a single parent a special bond existed between you and your child.  Perhaps this bond was akin to "us against the world" mentality.  As an entity, the twosome of you and your child were a team taking on the world each and every day.  Even if you were a single non-custodial parent the bond was just as strong as if you had daily interaction with your child.  Then, all of a sudden, your teammate, your partner is gone-permanently-leaving you behind in your anguish and a newly imposed loneliness to bear the burden and pain of separation alone. 

      No longer can we nurture or counsel or discipline our child.  Knowing that we will never hear the voice, the laughter, the cries, or feel the touch of "our partner" in our earthly existence is something that is so very difficult to accept.  Two is now one.

     This intense pain of separation is the point of the vortex that all the grief channels down to.  The loneliness, the acceptance of what has happened, the guilt, the regrets, the anger, all of this funnels down and becomes components of your new status of being a bereaved single parent. 

     If you were non-custodial, the loss may even be more acute in that your time with your partner was already reduced due to a set of divorce circumstances.  You feel cheated - maybe by your ex-spouse; maybe by the system.  Maybe both.  Bitterness is added to the pain.  But remember, if there was an ex-spouse involved, he/she lost a child too.  He/she is the only person on this earth that can begin to know what you feel.  At some point you need to reach out to this person as part of your healing process and dilute the bitterness until it is gone.  Channel that emotional energy back into your own recovery.

    The loneliness of the single parent is very difficult to overcome.  Even with family and friends, the loneliness can be daunting.  This is where seeking out support groups and religious organizations that coincide with your belief system can be sources of comfort  and support.  This can help you survive and, in your own time, begin a renewal of life.  Faith and sharing are two of the cornerstones of any healing process.

    A single parent's grief is a unique form of suffering that carries its own special set of conditions and identities.  This journey, usually taken alone, requires the single parent to reach out in a more active way. It is widely accepted among grief counselors that the death of a child carries a deepened pain; the death of an only child (or all the children) goes deeper; and if you are a single parent beset by this tragedy, the crevasse of grief and pain extends even deeper.

    As a reinvestment outlet, try  to come up with ways to stay  "connected" with your child, your partner.   Maybe through objects or songs or activities or anything that both of you identified with, a connection can be maintained so that, in your own special way, your partnership is preserved.

James Ryan O'Connor, almost 17, son of Jim O'Connor, drowned on July 19, 1998.

reprinted from ALIVE ALONE newsletter, February, 2000.

ALIVE ALONE  is a non-profit organization  to benefit bereaved parents, whose only child or all children are deceased.  The newsletter is published bi-monthly.  Kay & Rodney Bevington created Alive Alone in 1988 after the death of their only child, Rhonda.   For more information: online accessed on the Alta Vista search engine by typing in Alive Alone, also linked from various other bereavement sites; email,  alivealon@bright.net   or  write: Alive Alone, Inc., 11115 Dull Robinson Road, Van Wert, Ohio 45891.

Dear Denise:

   It was two weeks ago that I came home to cover the men's basketball team in the NCAA Tournament. 

   I only spent the night before the game at home because Mom and Dad live 45 minutes from Rosemont Horizon.  But I had no idea that when I knocked on your door the morning of the game, to see if you were awake, that it would be the last time I would talk to you.

   And to think I couldn't understand what you said to me.

   I still can't believe that as I was searching for my seat on press row for the Ball State-Kansas game, you were walking in front of a train -- just two weeks before your 18th birthday.

   I'll never understand why you did what you did.  We can only speculate about what was going on in your head.  Everyone thought you were getting better, but apparently you thought the bulimia had gotten the best of you and you would never get control of yourself again.

   Everything I watched you go through in your high school years was nothing out of the ordinary.  It took me to this year to really be happy with myself but I couldn't tell you that because you wouldn't listen.

   You were so close to graduation and college -- starting all over.

   Instead you chose to end your life and leave the mess for the five of us to clean up.  I was angry when the high school principal called the weekend after your death to tell us how the school would be open for students needing someone to talk to.  A number of the faculty were going into the school on the weekend because of you.

   And then I watched so many students walk by your casket to pay their last respects.  I wonder if you built a wall around yourself and couldn't feel that so many people cared about you. Mom let those who came to the house after the funeral up in your room.  They stood in a bunch in the middle of it staring, unsure what to say or do.

   Remember Mrs. Martin, the high school journalism adviser?  She came to the wake and asked me to stop by the school the next day.  The newspaper staff was having a hard time deciding what to print.  She thought with my being a journalism major and because you were my sister, I might be able to help them out.

  When I got there, I saw how uncomfortable they seemed in talking about your death.  Some didn't want to print anything about your death because they knew how unhappy you were at the school.   But that would have been denial that you even died!

   You shocked them and everyone else because your smiles and laughter hid so much  pain.  We knew how you had been depressed for so long and how you tried to kill yourself last fall, but we also thought you had put that behind you.

    The night before you died, you were telling me what a great time you had at the spring dance the weekend before.

   I'm glad you did get to go to one dance, because there are so many things you'll never get to do, and that bothers me.  You only made it halfway up to the 'M' on the mountainside at the University of Montana last summer.

   But then, you thought you'd return and have the chance to climb the whole way up.  You never got the chance to use the towel I bought you for Christmas to take to college.

   You life was just beginning.

   Mom and Dad just wanted to get you out of high school because they knew things would get better after that, but you couldn't do it.  When we went to find a cemetery plot for you, I watched them sit in the first pew in the chapel.  They are probably hurting more than you could ever imagine.

   Instead of four of us kids, there are now three.  My name will come after the "and" in all the Christmas cards.  I hate that.  I don't want to after the "and" -- that's your spot.

   I wanted to come back to school right after the funeral but I felt strange going back to my classes and the newspaper .  My life has changed so much and everyone else's is the same.  I'll never see you again.  Who will trim my hair?

   You taught me the game of baseball when I was in high school and now who will go to Kane County Cougars games with me?

   I find comfort in the thought that you are out of pain now.  I know there is a reason for everything that happens.  Your death is no exception, but it bothers me that you had to be everyone else's lesson.               April  1993

Michelle Linn-Gust  has just published her book on suriving the suicide loss of a sibling, "Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven?".   for more info: www.siblingsurvivors.com,      www. boltonpress.com, Order from Bolton Press,

1090 Crest Brook Lane, Rosewell, GA 30075, $14.95 + 2.50 S/H per book.

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